WHAT A FEELING

Depression quote - I'm not sure if I'm depressed. I mean, I'm not sad, but I'm not exactly happy either. I can laugh and joke and smile during the day, but sometimes when I'm alone at night I forget how to feel.

Hey everyone. I have been MIA for quite a long time and I blog on and off. I really don’t know where I’m going with this to be honest, but we’ll see that at the end, if there’s any end at all. Just, I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Who am I kidding? This is me, myself and I and I’ve been like this, aimless, emotionless and a lazy bum for such a long time. I have no motivation to do anything whatsoever. The little things that used to excite me earlier don’t make me feel anything anymore. I don’t feel emotionless, wrong word, because I feel so many emotions. I feel numb really. I wake up in the morning and sit on the bed with my laptop and phone in my hand and spend my whole day till probably 2 am on them, watching shows and YouTube videos. I don’t know what exactly I am going through. My parents are worried about me because it isn’t normal for a teenager to lie in bed all day and not even go to the market that is like 5 minutes away to buy milk. I recently joined the gym and got my period like the next day. Now my period’s over but I’ve lied to my parents so I didn’t have to go to the gym today. I don’t really know how I should get out of this cage. It’s like I’m in a trance I’ll never come out of. Simple things like bathing, going out for a less than 15 minutes walk and changing into fresh clothes feel like burdens to me. I still have a month’s time until college starts and this is all I do every day. Basically, I don’t look forward to anything other than food, mobile and laptop. I literally have no routine yet my goals and ambitions are so high. If I don’t buck up, I will drown in the ocean. Every single day is just the same for me.

Depression quote - It's a bit like walking down a long, dark corridor, never knowing when the light will go on.

I’m sorry if you feel that I am trying to gain sympathy because I’m not. I wanted to write down my feelings somewhere and right now I don’t know what else to write about other than these feelings and emotions that have been building inside me for months now. Usually, I am a calm person but when I get angry I get out of control. These might feel nothing to some, but not to me. These emotions are so stupid and are stopping me from doing things that I love and are good for me.

You can name it whatever you want- depression, anxiety, boredom, laziness. But I’d rather keep it nameless.

Thank you so much if you’ve read so far. All the love xx

“Everyday begins with an act of courage and hope: getting out of bed”

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